You’re having a baby?! Congratulations!! This is such a big stage and time for you and your family! 

You’re most likely overwhelmed with confusion as to how your birth support system is supposed to…well, support you. You’re probably asking things like “What does my doula do?” “What about my partner?”

“How do I know if I’m getting the help I need?”

It’s okay to feel these feelings. It’s stressful! Especially when it’s too much information thrown at you from every direction about what you should do, how, and—ahhh! Too much! TMI!

Guiding support is all about support which is guided. And in order to figure out how this guiding support is supposed to be given, I’ve made it really easy by breaking it down into what I call the 3 D’s.

While every birth is different, and there’s no such thing as a manual to give each person giving birth and no real way of knowing how the labour will look, the 3 D’s count as good guidelines of what you can do to be at ease on your birth journey.

The Do’s for Both Doula and Partner Support

These DO’s below are for your doula. When talking to your doula, these things should be an important “do” in your guiding support.

DO: Insist on having a backup doula, or doulas: If injuries or illnesses or other emergencies arise, your doula should have a team of at least one backup doula to take their place. It is still quite rare to need to call the backup, but it is always good to be prepared. The backup will have notes from your doula about what is needed, and if you wish, you can always ask to meet your potential backup doula.

DO: Have a meeting around how your doula encounters emergencies: At some point in your doula’s career, they will be faced with a spur-of-the-moment urgency or a home birth. Your doula ideally will be able to take proper care and make the best snap decisions if something like this arises.

DO: Ensure your doula supports and assists with your birth values and intentions: while a doula also has personal values and intentions surrounding birth, YOU are the one who is having the child and who calls the shots on your values and intentions. This means that if you wish to have an epidural but need more information first, your doula will give you the education and tools you need to follow through with this intention, and support you on your decision afterward.

DO: Double check that your doula will be 24/7 available to you and WILL answer: prior to your due date, your doula will have their phone on and be available to you on call 24/7, just in case they are needed. If there is time when your doula is unavailable, your backup doula should be ready to answer the call. 

DO: Allow your doula to provide you with the evidence-based information you need to make a decision, but NOT make that decision for you: rather than someone else making your decisions, your doula will be able to “read” your situation and have many tools to offer you for things such as pain relief or hydration, i.e. juice boxes. Also, your doula will know when it’s time to speak up on your behalf during a situation that may need it, and when it’s time to sit and listen to you.

DO: Let your doula help your spouse/partner to be as involved as they would like and offer guidance to them: Even with experienced parents, labour can shift the typical role a partner takes on in a relationship. Your doula can, for example, teach your partner massage tips or invite them to tell a comforting story the two of you share.

And speaking of partners, here are the DO’s for them, so they can better support you: DO set boundaries on what you are being told or ordered to do: As a birthing family you need to feel confident to say “no” to certain requests, to set boundaries, and to advocate for yourselves. However, you also need to know when it is not the time to argue, such as when you are massaging your partner’s shoulders and you’re asked for some alone time, or for water, for example: give it, calmly and quickly. If you’re asked by someone else for something that doesn’t go with what the mother wants, stick to the boundaries.

DO speak with a soft voice and tone, and reassure: Hold their hand, stroke their arm, wipe their sweaty brow, and look your partner in the eyes to help keep calm. Tell them it will be okay.

DO pack your own bag along with your partner’s: You may be spending lots of time hanging around. Bring a book, snack or anything else to help occupy the long waits in between helping your partner and the arrival of your precious wee one. Remember that you too must eat and drink throughout labour, and that keeping yourself taken care of helps you to focus on your partner. On that note, remember to bring a toothbrush as well, because no one likes bad breath next to them.

DO bring extra change, all the change, in case the vending machine does not accept cards or the card doesn’t work for whatever reason: If your partner is craving a chocolate bar, they will want it promptly, and making sure you have the right change for the vending machine is crucial. You do not have time to pop over to the 7-11 and sometimes the vending machine does not take cards or will not accept it because the card reader is malfunctioning. 

As your partner, these are some more do’s that not only can bring you two closer, but also solidify your love for each other and the coming baby:

• Be present in the moment: hold their hand, make eye contact, breathe with them.
• Be gentle and caring: Tell them you love them, kiss their forehead, and their cheek, and their hand. In other words, show your affection and unweaving support.
• Believe in them and show them that you do, by giving lots of verbal encouragement: You can do this! You are strong! I am so proud of you.
• Remember them why they are doing this, talk about the baby.
• Take the load: Make sure the rest of the household is taken care of (animals and other children), so they can be as stress free as possible.
• Ensure the birthing person is as comfortable as possible by:
  o Keeping the hot water bottle at desired temperature.
  o Putting a cool ice pack on their head or chest when they are hot.
  o Giving them a sip of water after each contraction.
  o Drawing a warm bath and keep it from getting cold.
  o Reminding them to use the bathroom every hour
• Keep them busy during early labour. Some things you can do are:
  o Play a game (card, board, video), go for a walk, watch a movie or favourite TV show.
  o Make them laugh, laugh together. Be yourself.

Take part and be there for them by:
o Knowing their birth plan and wishes before birth and helping to advocate for them.
o Helping with the medical decisions so they do not feel alone.
o Hiring a doula, because the extra support can ease a lot of stress and tension. Your doula can help you become a better birth partner, speed labour, and promote a positive birth experience for your family.
o Be always by their side, but when you do need a break, ask for your doula or a nurse to take your place, and give your partner a heads that that you are leaving.

The Don’ts: What Your Partner Should Not Be Doing

Your partner’s list of don’ts may seem trivial, but they can make or break a birth journey on your part.

Don’t chatter: Unless asked, avoid any pointless conversations such as last night’s big game, or the view from the labour window. Your partner will need to be calm and supportive. Nervous rambling won’t help here. 

Don’t yell: Encouragement is great, and your partner wants to be the cheerleader. But please tell them to not scream this encouragement from the top of their lungs. You’re the one who’s going to be very vocal and let out the warrior cry, so your partner needs to be the calm, quiet one. Yes, I realize saying this is a challenging task for those who are naturally loud (I’m no exception!).

Don’t be in the way: Make sure your partner steers clear of the doctors, nurses, and midwives. They will make sure your partner is involved, but it’s likely they won’t be able to explain every detail of everything that is going on–babies wait for no one when they’re being born.

Don’t keep checking your phone: Unless you “have permission” to check texts or send messages of updates to family members outside the main support circle online or through the phone, this part can wait. Stay away from the phone as much as possible.

A few more don’ts for your partner to keep in mind:

• When things get serious, the jokes must stop. They’re not funny nor helpful.
• Don’t take it personally. Being yelled or barked at during birth or receiving loud commands come with the process of birthing a human being.
• Don’t touch your birthing partner if touch is bothering them. 
• Don’t eat in front of your birthing partner. Let them know where you are going, but take a walk or bathroom break. Yes, eating in the bathroom is perfectly acceptable. 
• Pooping during childbirth is extremely normal due to anatomical reasons, but no one needs to bring this to the attention of the birthing mother if that ever happens. Fun fact: your birth canal is located between the anus and urethra, with that Cuch compression; what this means is if you are not letting poop fly, you are holding onto a baby. Statistics are in the 90% for pooping. Normal, natural, physiological, biological, and A-OK, but yes, DO NOT TELL THEM.
• Partner, don’t speak of how tired you are, or that you’re in pain. Journal this perhaps or speak to your doula privately to unleash the feelings. 
• Don’t show fear. If you have a question, quietly ask the doula or nurse off to the side.

The Delegating for Your Partner

Delegation can be done by yourself or your partner to ensure that everyone is supported in the healthiest way possible. 

As the partner reading this, here’s what you can do in terms of delegating:

Ensure you and other supports such as your doula are taking regular breaks: Your birthing partner has hormones to keep their body going in labour, however everyone has their limits in how much their bodies and minds can handle. Ensure you’re taking regular breaks and the other supports are too. Take a five-minute walk and get fresh air, grab a coffee, and do anything to stretch your body and refresh yourself. Never feel bad for taking a break either; you’re human like anyone else, and this is the benefit of having a support network at birth. 

As the one giving birth:

Delegate the gatekeeping to your partner: You have dubbed them the gatekeeper of your space during this time. This is to keep unwanted visitors from invading your space and your energy.  Delegate your doula for the heavy lifting: You have hired a doula for your support, but it is how YOU want to be supported and for what you need. So you need to let them know and delegate tasks for them to help you with, like going to doctor’s appointments. 

Delegate the caring for the rest of the home: delegate your partner, your doula, your doula’s backup, another family member, or a close friend to help with caring for your home. This can include pets, children, chores, errands, cooking, or just to be the go-to for much needed chat time. 

It’s a lot of info, I know! I got you! You and your family are not alone when you have the 3 D’s!

If you are needing that extra support, Stages Family can be there.

Please don’t hesitate to contact us at Stages with any questions or concerns about guiding support during birth, or about our doula services.

And stay tuned for part 2 of the 3D’s: The Postpartum Edition, where we will cover the 3D’s for Postpartum Support (and why you should bring toilet paper!).